Welcome to Ramsay's hell

Gordon Ramsay is the kind of pithy, quote spewing chef that food journalists pray to interview. The "Hell's Kitchen" host and potty mouth chef gives his opinion about an upcoming $1 million lawsuit. (A restaurateur isn't happy about an upcoming episode of Ramsay's new series "Kitchen Nightmares.")

"[The plaintiff] is a man who got very scared and very embarrassed about his lack of professionalism.... We were issued a writ because, God bless America, if the toilet paper is not thick enough and you come out with a rash on your ass [you get sued]," Ramsay said.

Gold, people, gold.

Chachi is a loser but chefs rule

I've tried overcoming my addictions, but I've learned to just give in to them: I am a reality TV show junkie.

Can't help it. Won't help it. The programs are like eating potato chips. It's too hard to stop after just one. I'll watch Gene Simmons play house with his Playboy Playmate and their two very normal and funny kids; Kathy Griffin make fun of her life and everyone else's on My Life on the D-List; the Little People family who live on a Oregon farm, keep an extremely messy house and drive really big trucks; and creeky old leech Hugh Hefner and his posse of bottled blondes romp around his (kind of tacky) Holmby Hills Mansion.

I do have my limits, tho. I tried to watch that new Chachi is a Single, Middle-Aged Loser series and Scott Baio comes across as, well, pretty much a turd. (It's also faker than the normal fakeness of reality TV; he and his GIRLFRIEND are having a baby.)

Then, there are the three reality TV culinary competitions: Hell's Kitchen, Top Chef and The Next Food Network Star. OK, now we're talking. Here's my story today about the trio of shows. (Don't you just love yelling at the TV when the chefs do something really stupid like when Jen from Hell's Kitchen tried to pick spaghetti out of the TRASHCAN and serve it to someone?? Man, that's scary, but don't think it doesn't happen. I remember seeing a waitress where I once worked long, long ago, scoop up some rolls she dropped on the floor, put them in basket and take them out to a waiting table.)

According to The Food Network, the July 15 episode of "The Next Food Network Star" was the most highly rated telecast in the network’s history.

Cry me a river

On last night's "Hell's Kitchen," Aaron, the chubby retirement home chef, blubbered his way through another episode. Yet, he somehow managed not to get the boot from Professional Screamer/Chef Gordon Ramsay.

Hmmm, wonder why? Maybe, Ramsay remembers what it's like to have a major kitchen meltdown. According to an article on Salon.com, Ramsay's mentor, now bitter rival , Marco Pierre White, once published a picture of Ramsay crying in a corner after a particularly bad night of service.

Does it takes a crybaby to know a crybaby?

"Welcome to Hell"

Britain's Beelzebub of Cooking, Gordon Ramsay, welcomed a fresh batch of culinary recruits to his seventh circle of the stove last night with the third season of "Hell's Kitchen."

The first episode was pretty much a repeat of the last few seasons: The cooks are a bunch of screw-ups who can't cook eggs or pasta. Ramsay goes ballistic, wrinkles his face like a Sharpei , diners wait endlessly for their meals and complain that it's taking too long. Someone stabs someone in the back. Someone goes home. End of this one-note show.

Ramsay's bark and his short-tempered school yard bully routine plays old after 15 minutes. As Bonnie, the nanny/personal chef put it "he makes me want to pee my pants." Bonnie, wear a diaper. Ramsay offers no sympathy and clearly can't stomach anyone who can stand to lose weight - he was a former professional soccer player. You just know that the Aaron, the overweight, crybaby retirement home chef isn't going to fair well. Too early to tell who will emerge as fan favorites, but I kind of like Eddie, the 5 foot 2-inch line cook from Atlanta, who calls himself "a bulldog in a Chihuahua's body," Melissa, the New York line cook and Rock, the executive chef from Spotsylvania, Va.

Hopefully, this season will fair better than Ramsay's New York restaurant which, as detailed in a recent New Yorker article, is getting a lukewarm reception from diners and critics.