My 8-year-old daughter Jillian hadn't consumed anything but pasta and chicken nuggets for much of her existence, when one day not too long ago she spied a peculiar monstrosity on a sign at Wendy's called "The Baconator." "I want that, Daddy," she said, and soon Daddy was witness to the rare sight of this smidgen of a girl totally devouring an adult-sized burger consisting of two quarter-pound beef patties with six strips of hickory-smoked bacon, American cheese, ketchup and mayo ("Tell them to hold the mayo, daddy").
Bless her little unclogged heart.
I was proud. I was appalled. I had to acknowledge a certain mixed sense of gratitude (that she was finally eating something besides nuggets) and shame (that I was letting her eat enough cholesterol to clog an elephant's arteries). But in the end, I understand the allure of burger bliss, one that seems to peak in summer, and which stimulates this carnivore to explore the newer creations now infesting our casual restaurants. As a dubious public service, I hereby present a few of the more outrageously tempting examples that are now allegedly available locally, as described recently in Restaurants & Institutions magazine:
The Slamburger: Topped with hash-brown casserole, a cooked-to-order egg, cheese sauce and more -- available only during late-night hours. Denny's.
1/2 lb. Flamethrower GrillBurger: Two quarter-pound beef patties, cayenne-pepper-flavored mayo, pepper-Jack cheese and jalapeño bacon. Dairy Queen
Chipotle Bleu Cheese Bacon Burger: Beef patty, chipotle-pepper sauce, blue cheese crumbles, apple-wood-smoked bacon, lettuce, tomato, pickle and blue cheese dressing. Chili’s Bar & Grill
Patty Melt: Beef patty topped with Swiss cheese, grilled onions and zesty Swiss cheese-horseradish sauce on toasted panini bread. Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse
Pressed Burger: Beef patty, salsa ketchup, processed-cheese spread, pickles and mayo on house or wheat bun, pressed until golden brown. Cheeseburger in Paradise
Bacon & Egg Cheeseburger: Beef patty, Cheddar cheese, one egg cooked over-medium, bacon, lettuce, tomato, red onion and mayo on Romano-Parmesan bun. IHOP
American Kobe Sliders: Three mini Kobe beef patties, Ruby Sauce and caramelized onions. Ruby’s Diner
Moosebreath Burger: Half-pound beef patty, garlic-sautéed mushrooms, Cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles, mayo, mustard and ketchup. Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse
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